


The Exorcist

by Nicky_Gabriel



Series: The Beginning [3]
Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 13:25:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicky_Gabriel/pseuds/Nicky_Gabriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No, everything was not all right. The most important question was still unanswered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Exorcist

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hardboiledbaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hardboiledbaby/gifts).



_History counts its skeletons in round numbers._

_A thousand and one remains a thousand,_

_as though the one had never existed._

**Hunger Camp at Jasło by Wisława Szymborska**

 

Sometimes, it was still hard for Hutch to live through the night, and the worst was that he knew exactly where to get the stuff. For free.

There were evenings when he couldn’t stand the loneliness and the cravings anymore and he had no other choice than to call Starsky. Starsky seemed to understand that it wasn’t enough for Hutch to hear his voice on the telephone. He seemed to understand that Hutch needed him _there_. Close, because Hutch didn’t trust himself to do the right thing anymore, especially when he didn’t even know what _was_ right.

Sometimes, the need was so strong that he was back in the dark room where Forest’s men held him captive, and he needed to escape, and the _escape_ was Starsky – as his partner had been when Hutch ran away for the first time. Just four words – _Starsk, I need you –_ and Starsky was by his side within fifteen minutes and would stay as long as it took. It didn’t happen often, but Starsky never objected.

Other times, however, Hutch needed to be alone. To _try_ to deal with the inner turmoil that was shattering the walls he had built around his soul for protection. He needed to get the control over his life on his own.

Yes, control. Hutch was no quitter – he would fight till the bitter end with everything he had – but the slight change in his body chemistry left him feeling betrayed and uncertain. Dirty. Slowly losing control over his life and sanity. Especially because his father was coming to visit over the Thanksgiving weekend. Hutch knew his dad was going to know something was wrong right after he stepped off the plane and saw him.

Hence the long walk on the beach, trying to figure out what to do. He called Starsky from a pay phone to meet him there. Hutch had made a decision, but he would need help with that one as well.

He was walking slowly down the beach, the rising sun casting long shadows, and sensed his partner even before he spotted him at the top of the stairs. It was early morning and Starsky looked exactly as he usually did when he woke up before nine. Hutch pushed aside the guilt over waking him up and smiled gently, feeling love wash over him.

Starsky didn’t come closer. He sat down on the highest step and waited patiently until Hutch reached him. Hutch sat in front of him one step lower, feeling cold and anxious. Not only because of the fact that in a few hours he would meet his father, but because the mood swings hadn’t completely disappeared yet. Maybe they never would?

“You gonna tell you dad?” Starsky asked finally, resting his hand on Hutch’s back and rubbing gently.

Hutch sighed and closed his eyes, but opened them immediately. The darkness was still frightening. “I – I don’t...”

“Hey, you don’t have to.” Starsky shifted his hand up. “But it may help.” He began massaging gently the nape of Hutch’s neck. “He won’t stop loving you.”

Hutch sighed – Starsky’s touch was like a balm on his raw nerves. “You haven’t,” he whispered, feeling the warm wind stroking his cheeks.

“I haven’t.” Starsky stopped the massage and pulled Hutch’s hair slightly. “Never will. Why should I?”

_Yeah, why?_

“Hutch, it wasn’t your fault.” How many times did Starsky repeat this line?

Hutch sighed. How could he believe it? Why should he if it was not true?

“Could you – could you tell him?” he asked instead, looking up.

Starsky frowned. “Hutch, I don’t think...”

“Please?”

Hutch saw that Starsky wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but right now it was the only reality Hutch could live in.

“Okay, I will tell your dad,” Starsky agreed reluctantly.

Hutch winced, but nodded. He got up and went toward Starsky’s car feeling restless. He wished the day was already over.

*

Starsky stood in the small, wooden terrace at the back of Hutch’s cottage, when Hutch’s father joined him there. Hutch was cleaning the kitchen after their lunch. Under normal circumstances, Starsky would be helping him, but Hutch had sent him out so he could talk to Richard.

“What happened to him, David?” Richard asked without beating about the bush. He closed the door.

Starsky didn’t even try to pretend he hadn’t understood what Richard was asking about. However, he really had no idea how to handle this conversation. The last thing he wanted was to ruin Hutch’s relationship with his father. He had only met Richard a couple of times before, but he couldn’t miss the bond these two men shared.

“Did he mention Jeannie?” Starsky asked, feeling that the entire truth would do no harm.

Richard nodded. “She’s Ken’s girlfriend. But he hasn’t mentioned her for a few weeks, so I suppose they are not together anymore.”

“You are right.” Starsky nodded. “They... are not together. They broke up a few weeks ago.”

“David, I saw him after his divorce with Vanessa,” Richard stated coldly, leaning against the doorframe. “A broken heart has never left him so... I don’t even know what to call it!”

“It’s more than a broken heart.” Starsky sat in a wicker chair and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Before Hutch met her, Jeannie was the girlfriend of one of the most influential drug lords in this area. His name is Forest. Vice has wanted to get him for years... but Hutch was the one who finally arrested him.”

“I see.” Richard sat next to him, but didn’t say anything.

“You can imagine that Forest wasn’t very happy that his girl had found another man, let alone a cop. Hutch hid her in an apartment in Sea View because he knew Forest would be looking for her. When he couldn’t find her, Forest kidnapped Hutch to make him reveal where she was.” Starsky looked up and noticed that Richard was observing him intensely.

“Did he... did he succeed?” he asked.

“Yes,” Starsky admitted hoarsely. “It was Friday night, and we had a weekend off. They attacked him here in his home. He had no chance...” Starsky shook his head. “Hutch didn’t tell me where he had hidden her, so when he didn’t make it to work on Monday, I came here and I noticed his gun still in his closet. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t even know where to start looking for him. I knew that he had never left to see Jeannie, because he wouldn’t have gone there without his gun. So it must have happened before he went there. I tried, but nobody knew anything. As if he just disappeared.”

Richard was quiet, but Starsky couldn’t miss his pained expression.

“And that’s what happened,” Starsky continued. “Only Forest’s closest men knew he was there, so there was no word on the street. At first they tried to make him talk working him over, but he hadn’t said anything.”

“How... how long?” Richard finally broke his silence.

“Not long... fortunately.” Starsky shivered. “You know how he is. I’ve never met anybody more loyal than he is to his friends and people he loves. Sometimes it drives me crazy.”

Richard only nodded. “So, Forest decided to aim for a different type of persuasion? What did he do?”

Starsky looked at him with strange admiration. It could not have been easy to come to that conclusion. “He...” Starsky started, but his voice broke. He had to try again. “He used drugs to make Hutch talk.”

“What drugs?” Richard was suddenly pale.

Starsky leaned his forehead on his intertwined fingers. “Heroin.”

The silence was deafening. Starsky sighed and glanced at Hutch’s father.

“Heroin doesn’t make people talk,” Richard whispered, but Starsky could clearly see that he already knew.

“But the lack of it does,” Starsky confirmed.

“How... how long was he kidnapped?”

“A few days. Then they quit giving him the stuff and... he told them where she was. After they got what they wanted, they didn’t need him anymore and Forest decided to kill him. I have no idea where Hutch found the strength, but he ran away and... and that’s when I found him.”

There was more silence. Richard got up and went toward the edge of the porch, leaning his hands on the rail.

“Did you take him to a hospital?” he asked finally.

“No. I-I couldn’t. I wasn’t thinking clearly when I found him, but I just couldn’t let the IA know what happened. It would mean end of our careers.”

“David, are you saying that...” Richard turned, but Starsky didn’t let him finish.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I had to tell Dobey. Without his help we couldn’t do it, and Huggy helped us to have a place to crash for a few days. But Hutch... he did the entire job. When the worst was over, we found Forest and the rest of his goons. Hutch brought him in and he... freed Jeannie. Again.”

“Has he seen a doctor since then?” Richard was insistent.

“No.”

“How is he doing?”

Starsky sighed, uneasily. The worst part of their conversation was over. “Better.”

Richard hesitated. “Did you notice...”

Starsky answered before Richard could ask. “No. He’s clean. I would know if he wasn’t.”

Richard nodded, accepting his answer. “So why is he looking as if it was yesterday?” he asked nonetheless.

Starsky got up and joined him.  “Because for him it _was_ yesterday.”

“David, we both know that heroin is one of the most addictive narcotics, but it takes longer than a few days to develop addiction. Especially under such circumstances. I suppose he was badly hurting after what they did to him, so it might work as a painkiller at first.”

“Yeah. He knows that, too,” Starsky agreed, though reluctantly.

“So he feels guilty that he betrayed Jeannie’s whereabouts?”

Starsky looked away. Sometimes he envied that Hutch had such a father. Or that he still had a father. “He can’t and doesn’t want to forgive this disloyalty. He tries to be perfect, but in this job, it’s just not possible sometimes. Forest has used drugs to break his opponents many times before and he knew it would work. The men who were working for him confirmed that, but Hutch just can’t accept the fact he is just a human.”

“It sounds like Ken. What happened to him, does it affect his work?”

Starsky expected this question, but he still felt angry. “If you ask if he was weakened physically after he was back on the force, than yes he was. Only these who know him would be able to tell that he’s not one hundred percent. If you ask how he is dealing with the fact that he knows where to get this stuff, and that he can have it for free just because he is a cop, then he is dealing with it excellently,” he said fiercely.

Richard didn’t seem to notice his tone. “You can’t keep an eye on him all the time,” he stated the obvious.

“I don’t have to.” Starsky said firmly. “When he can’t stand it anymore, he calls me.”

“Always?” Richard raised an eyebrow.

Starsky sighed. He was furious, but not at Hutch’s dad. He was furious with Forest and Monk, and even Jeannie. Most of all he was simply tired. “Hutch knows that if he tried to score, he would endanger not only his life, but also mine, because a moment of hesitation can cost our lives on the street. That is my insurance.”

Richard looked at him for a long moment before he said, “thank you.”

Starsky felt as if he fought a battle with an army of street punks and lost. More than a month had passed since Hutch’s ordeal, but he still couldn’t think clearly about what had happened. Talking was even worse – Hutch was the only person he could talk to about it. They had been both there, and there wasn’t much left to say anyway.

He just hoped that Hutch wouldn’t mess it up when he faced his father.

*

Hutch had just finishing drying the dishes when he heard the terrace door open. He realized that his father had noticed the state he was in immediately at the airport. His father was a surgeon, and very little slipped his attention when it came to his son. He hadn’t asked any questions, apparently sensing that Hutch wasn’t ready to answer them, but Hutch had hoped he would wait until evening after dinner. His hopes were not granted, because Richard decided to talk to Starsky. On the other hand a few hours sooner or later didn’t make much of a difference anyway.

Starsky and Hutch’s shift was supposed to start in an hour and if they didn’t hurry up, they would be late again. Dobey had been generous to change their shifts, so that Hutch could give his father a lift from the airport, but now they would be late for Thanksgiving dinner.

Starsky’s chat with his father seemed to be taking longer than expected, and Hutch was getting uneasy. He wished he could just disappear, or wake up from this nightmare and never go back again. But this wasn’t a nightmare and never had been. He had no visible scars anymore, but the ones inside would always remain. He would always be a traitor, and this certainty was worse than the twenty four hours he had spent at Huggy’s.

Starsky entered the kitchen. One look at him was enough. Hutch realized that his father knew the truth.

“I’ll drive to work and get started on the reports,” Starsky said, touching Hutch’s arm gently and rubbing up and down. “Take your time, babe.”

Hutch tried to smile, but he couldn’t make himself to move. Or even breathe. “Thanks,” he said blankly.

Starsky touched his cheek. “I’ll tell Dobey that you got stuck in a traffic jam.”

Hutch managed a weak smile. “See you.”

Starsky nodded and left.

Hutch waited a moment, bracing himself, and joined his father outside. Richard was facing the canal. Hutch couldn’t tell if he was furious, disappointed or just angry, but his grip on the porch railing indicated that their conversation wouldn’t be easy.

“Ken, does this job mean that much to you?” Richard asked without looking at him.

Hutch blinked. That wasn’t the question he had expected. He took a step toward his father, but couldn’t go any further.

“Yes,” was all he could say.

Richard looked at him and Hutch had an urge to disappear. Finally, his father approached him and brushed Hutch’s bangs off his forehead.

“Headaches?” he asked, as Hutch remembered he would do when Hutch was a little boy and came home with fever or bruised knees.

“Not often,” Hutch answered. As it had in the past, the gesture helped more than any medicine ever could.

“Nightmares?”

“Sometimes.”

“Nausea?”

“No.”

“Cravings?”

“Rarely.”

A pause. “Suicidal thoughts?”

Hutch smiled sadly. “That thought crossed my mind,” he admitted.

“Ken...”

“I wouldn’t do it, Dad.” Hutch touched his arm. “It just hurt so much, b-but Starsk made it better...”

“David said you didn’t see a doctor.” Richard moved his hand to rest on Hutch’s shoulder.

“I couldn’t.” Hutch looked away.

“You could,” Richard clarified, disappointed.

“I didn’t want to,” Hutch repeated.

“How about now? Do you want to?” Richard asked simply.

“Dad.”

“Ken, I wasn’t here when you needed me. Let me at least make sure you are okay.”

Hutch nodded, resigned. He’s learned a long time ago that it was no use arguing with his father when he set his mind to something. Hutch followed him inside.

Ten minutes later, Richard smiled at him.

“And?” Hutch asked.

The diagnosis was optimistic. “Nothing what a long rest and food wouldn’t take care of.”

“Just what Starsky said.” Right now, Hutch needed an exorcist more than a doctor.

His father was not stupid, nor blind. “Why didn’t you tell him?” he asked the question Hutch feared the most.

“Because I’m an idiot?” he answered with his own question. He had told Forest whatever he wanted to know, and he couldn’t trust Starsky – his best friend – enough to tell him where he had hidden Jeanie.

“You are, sometimes, but it’s not the reason,” Richard stated.

As usual, he was right. “I knew who Forest was. I didn’t want to put anybody else in danger.” Hutch shrugged.

“Ken, David is your partner. He is a cop. He knows the danger you both face every day, and he accepts it, because it comes with territory.”

Hutch cursed inwardly. He hated the sound of disappointment in his father’s voice.

“Next time, don’t keep secrets from him,” Richard finished firmly, squeezing his arm.

“Don’t worry, I won’t,” Hutch assured him bitterly. “I’m not going to put him through this...hell again.”

Richard sighed, but didn’t let Hutch distract him. “This resolution will work only in one case.”

“When?” Hutch asked curious now.

“When you believe that you couldn’t stop them.”

“It’s not that easy.” Hutch shook his head. It was the only thing he would never believe.

“I’m certain that as long as you had control, you didn’t tell them anything.”

“Doesn’t matter what was before they... what was before. What matters is what happened after. And I ultimately betrayed her.”

Richard nodded. “Okay, let’s talk about what was after. Do you know where to get this stuff?”

“Of course I do.” Hutch shivered involuntarily. Sometimes it was unbearable to know.

“How many times did you use this knowledge?”

Hutch didn’t have to answer. He knew that Starsky had already told to his father everything. Suddenly it was just that easy.

“Ken, if you had a choice you would have made the right choice, but you weren’t given any choice at all,” his father said. “Nobody expects you to see into the future. You couldn’t know that this Forest would be that persistent. And I bet that that was the main reason why you didn’t tell David where you were going. You didn’t want him to face the same danger you had.”

Hutch froze. This dark truth had been lurking at the back of his mind all the time. So far he’d successfully ignored it.

“Dad.”

“The fewer people who knew where she was, the lower the possibility somebody would find her. I am no detective, but I’ve read a few detective stories in my life.”

Hutch sighed. He didn’t like to admit to his failures, but this time he had to give in. “Much good did it do.”

“Did you save her?”

“Yes, but...”

Richard didn’t let him argue. “Did you arrest Forest?” he asked, using the same tone of voice Starsky had used at Huggy’s.

“Yes.” Hutch felt as if he was being interrogated. Strangely it was helping.

“Does David still trust you?”

“Yes.” Hutch swallowed hard. If he was certain of something, that it was Starsky’s trust.

Richard smiled. “So everything is all right?”

No, everything was not all right. The most important question was still unanswered.

“How... how about you?”

 His dad sighed and put his arms around him. “I trust you, too,” he said as if that was the most obvious thing in the world.

That’s why it was so hard to accept. “You are partial,” Hutch said into his shoulder.

“After thirty two years, I think I know you well enough to be allowed to be biased.”

Hutch smiled. If any other person had told him that, he would have ignored it, but hearing his father say the words meant there was some truth to the statement.

“Go, or you will be late.” Richard let him go. “And when you are back, dinner will be ready. I think the list of things I should be thankful for just grew longer.”

“You should be an exorcist,” Hutch said quietly, turning around and heading toward the door.

“I think I am,” his father whispered softly behind his back.

Hutch blinked his tears back. If Starsky could moonlight as a doctor and put him together in forty-eight hours, then his father could slay demons as a side job. With such warriors by his side, he should not worry about the future.

 

**THE BEGINNING**


End file.
